Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, noted pioneer on death and dying, recognized that there are 5 stages to the grieving process. Grief is often a complicated and misunderstood emotion, with societal and cultural norms affecting how grief is displayed and even acknowledged. According to Kübler-Ross, it is necessary to go through the 5 stages of grief in order to receive healing. Grief is not just something you feel in response to the death of a loved one. It can be a result of the end of a relationship such as a divorce, the loss of a job, the loss of identity, an abortion, a troubling diagnosis, and so on.
Sometimes an individual gets stuck in one of the 5 stages. When this happens, there is not a complete healing. It's important to work through all 5 stages, although it doesn't have to be in order. Some people cycle through the stages, or jump around. Everyone's pace is different. You cannot force someone to go through the stages of grief, either. It's all a process, and as processes go, sometimes it's 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. While 1 year seems to be the time to "get over it" in many people's minds, it could take several years to get over a loss.
In the U.S., I get the impression that grieving people are relegated to the outskirts of humanity...until they "get over it" and can re-join the ranks of the achievers and the do-ers. I'm not sure why death and dying is still so taboo in many areas, but this makes it even harder for those dealing with grief. "We don't die well" is a phrase that popped into my head several years ago, not long after my first husband of 7 years died of leukemia at the age of 28 in 1996. We take vitamins and herbs, exercise, have face lifts and boob jobs...all to stave off aging and death itself. I once heard that the root of all fear is really the fear of death. Somehow, I believe that. I've even heard that insomnia can be a form of the fear of death, especially since sleep is a "little death" of sorts.
But back to the taboo aspects of death. Perhaps one reason that our culture expects grieving people to "get over it" is that the sooner the image of grief is removed from the eye of the beholder, the quicker we can get on with our life and avoid thinking about our own mortality. Yet, this puts the grieving person in a troubling spot, don't you think? Often, talking about the loss that has occurred is a huge step towards healing and closure. But what if friends abandon you after a loss? What if people become uncomfortable when the loss is mentioned? Or worse, what if unthinking others tell you to look "on the bright side" or "for every door that closes, God opens a window" or "get over it"? There are actually Job's comforters in the world that will go so far to say that you brought the loss upon yourself from some sin or because you're displeasing God. Hogwash! It rains on the just and the unjust, to paraphrase the Bible. In other words, crap happens to "good" people, and good things happen to "bad" people. (I use quotations because too often good and bad are relative to our own judgments and values.)
Recovery is a process, and often involves looking at life in new ways. According to The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman:
"Recovery means claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness. Recovery is finding new meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again. Recovery is being able to enjoy fond memories without having them precipitate painful feelings of regret or remorse. Recovery is acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how those around you react. Recovery is being able to forgive others when they say or do things that you know are based on their lack of knowledge about grief. Recovery is one day realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you've experienced is indeed normal and healthy."
The Five Stages of Grief
Denial - Not accepting the loss and the refusing to acknowledge it. "This can't be happening to me". No tears or crying. In the case of death, setting the table for the deceased or acting like they're still living there. In terms of divorce or severed relationships, believing someone will come back when it is clearly over. In terms of a diagnosis, refusing to acknowledge it in any way. "The doctors don't know what they're talking about." In some cases, this may very well be true, and doctors are not God with the last word. However, when something is going on in your body or in a loved one's body, to refuse to acknowledge the physical reality is a form of denial. When my son was diagnosed with high functioning Autism/PDD-NOS, I was in major denial. While he may continue to outgrow Autistic behaviors, it was important for me to acknowledge that there was a set of behaviors going on that that fell under the umbrella of PDD-NOS. No, I didn't have to take the mainstream approach to the diagnosis, and no, I didn't have to feel that it was hopeless or the worst case scenario. But in order to come to terms with my grief over his being outside of "normal", I had to acknowledge what was going on. Of course, you can always re-define what "normal" is for you and yours.
Anger - "Why me?", "Life's not fair!", "I hate you, God!". Anger at the deceased or the individual involved in the loss. Wanting to "get back" at them. In the case of divorce, wanting to "get even" and being consumed with retribution.
Bargaining - This stage often occurs before the loss. "God, if you just cure my baby, I'll do anything for you!" "If you come back to me, I'll treat you like a Queen. Please, give me another chance." Bargaining is the attempt to strike a deal with God or another person in order to prevent loss, and involves begging, wishing, and praying.
Depression - Feeling numb and without any sense of control. Overwhelming feelings of frustration, hopelessness, self-pity and bitterness. Mourning not only the loss of a person, but also the dreams, hopes, and plans for the future. Feelings of suicide.
Acceptance - There is a difference between resignation and acceptance, and I think this goes back to the quote about recovery. Resignation is bearing things quietly, while acceptance is realizing that it takes 2 to break a marriage, or that your spouse didn't die "on purpose" to hurt you, or realizing that good can come out of any negative situation. Even if someone you love has committed suicide, you must realize that they couldn't have been in a "normal" state of mind to get to that point...and it's not your fault. Acceptance is finding comfort and healing. It's re-framing situations to see the positive aspects. Our thoughts turn toward personal growth, and we find comfort in fond memories.
Pain after loss is normal. The above 5 stages are a normal part of the grieving process. Do not believe that any of these 5 stages is unacceptable or wrong. For example, some people are taught that it's not right to be angry with God and he/she will punish you if you get angry. Newsflash: God can handle our anger, and even understands it! If the Divine isn't a safe place to vent, I don't know where is. Thinking any of these stages are "wrong" or "bad" can lead you to become stuck in that very stage by your avoidance. Or, it can cause you to marginalize a loved one or friend because they are experiencing something you disagree with or find uncomfortable.
Get help if you need it. You will survive. You will heal, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. We can't stop living. Pain is a part of being human, but this too shall pass. Good can come out of tragedy, and the sun is always shining behind the darkened clouds. Love and joy will come to you once again.
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